


depths

by polaroidexit



Category: GOT7, JJ Project
Genre: 5+1 Things, Anger, Angst, Arguing, Gen, Im Jaebum | JB-Centric, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Insecure Im Jaebum | JB, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Misunderstandings, Self-Esteem Issues, Social Media, Stress
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-30
Updated: 2018-08-30
Packaged: 2019-07-04 12:31:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,768
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15841353
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/polaroidexit/pseuds/polaroidexit
Summary: Anger coursed through his veins like the angry waves during a thunderstorm.





	depths

**Author's Note:**

> This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events, locales, and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.

 

 

1.

"Ah...seriously, why do they make us play those god awful games?" Jaebum muttered as he slumped onto the living room couch. Mark hummed in agreement with tiredness laced in his tone and sat down beside the leader with his eyes trained on his phone. They'd just filmed another episode for IGOT7 and god, it was pure exhaustion to the bones right now.

"Which one? I personally dislike every game." Bambam said listlessly after he came out of his room, already changed into lighter clothes in a speed of light. "Oh, I hate the one where one has to diss another!" Youngjae commented from where he was already curled up into a ball with blankets, leaning back against the couch. Of course he does, the angel. "No, actually, I hate filming variety shows," Bambam added flatly, jumping onto Yugyeom in the hallways, who yelped in return.

"Why do you bring it up though?" Jackson asked bluntly like always, from the kitchen where he was digging for secretly hidden snacks. Jaebum groaned in response because he just hates variety shows' games so much and his back was so sore and his shoulders were extremely tense with stress-

-he flinched in surprise when someone's hands came up to massage his shoulders. "You okay?" Jinyoung asked softly and Jaebum couldn't help but lie with a nod in response.

"Is it something from today? The games you're talking about." Jackson asked, coming to sit on the armchair with a defeated expression. He didn't manage to find any snacks.

Jaebum let out a sigh and tried to take deep breaths. He attempted to hide his scowl back because now he had a fucking headache crawling in slowly, at the back of his head. Just great. He shrugged off Jinyoung's hands and grimaced inwardly at how harsh that must've looked like.

"The paper- the kissing game. It just, they may as well ask us to kiss each other." He spat out colder than he intended and suddenly, the room was silent with tension. He caught Youngjae shifting a little from where he was sitting on the floor.

"It's just fanservic-" Jackson started with a frown.

"I  _know_. But it's just-" He interrupted with a sharper tone than he expected himself.

"Just what? Do you have a problem with that sort of thing?" Jackson was now standing, frown slowly turning into a scowl. Mark muttered something in Chinese and reached out a hand, which got slapped away roughly by Jackson who was glaring at Jaebum now. Jaebum stood up, ignoring Jinyoung's whispered protests.

"I didn't mean it like that. I meant that they could create rumours for the grou-"

Jackson cut him off with a scoff. "Didn't seem it with how you looked really bothered by the idea of boys-" Mark grabbed Jackson's arm, muttering for the younger to stop. Jaebum took a deep breath, taking in the fact that Jackson was _accusing_ him. He barely said anything! Why the hell did the other have to call him out when he's so fucking stressed and tired?

"What are you going to do if I did mean it like that, hm?" The words left his mouth before he could do anything to stop it. What the fuck was he saying now? But it was Jackson's fault anyway. He didn't do anything wrong in the first place, he was just merely complaining about games for variety shows and Jackson just _had to-_

"Stop it. _Hyung._ "

Jaebum barely registered Jinyoung's strained words, raising his right arm with a tight fist but stumbled back when the other's arms wrapped tightly around his waist, pulling his entire body back. Mark and Bambam were both holding Jackson back now, muttering words in English and Chinese. Jaebum could feel Jinyoung's weight still pulling him back, with Youngjae's arm held out in front of his chest now.

Yugyeom was standing in the middle, between all of this with a concerned look. The maknae gave a nervous laugh when Jaebum met his eyes.

"Guys, stop it...we're all stressed and-and it wouldn't do any good if we fight...you know?" Yugyeom spoke meekly, shifting his weight between his legs while he glanced warily at Jackson and Jaebum. Youngjae nodded vigorously with worrying eyes and chewed on his lip before he added to Yugyeom's weak plea, "Yeah, l-let's not fight...Seunie-hyung, I'm sure Jaebum-hyung didn't mean any of tha-" Youngjae recoiled as Jackson abruptly shouted.

" _Like hell_ he fucking did, with that disgusted expression he had! You know, I thought you guys would be different but no, you're probably all homopho-" Mark smacked Jackson in the head and yelled something in Chinese, then turned his glare on Jaebum.

"Stop fighting, you idiots. You're all stressed and spouting nonsense." Mark left with a shove to Jackson, who looked down in shame then everyone jumped when they heard a loud door slam.

 

* * *

 

2.

He felt humiliation and embarrassment course through his body after the performance they just did for M!Countdown. He had performed to the fans with him sitting in a fucking chair on the side while the rest danced. He hated it.

It was goddamn humiliating, he thought with bitter, watery eyes as he kicked a chair with his good leg. Yugyeom looked up from the other end of the waiting room with surprised eyes. "Are you alright, hyung..?" _Did he look alright?_ You know, it would be better if he acted fine. He really didn't want to embarrass himself anymore.

"I'm fine." He replied curtly, looking away when Yugyeom blinked back with hurt, returning to his phone hesitantly.

"Hyung." He turned his head at Jinyoung's firm voice. The younger looked back with hard eyes and a tight lip.

"Sorry." He said despite everything because honestly, he didn't need any lecture or pity or whatever crap Jinyoung planned to spew on him right now.

"You don't have to apologize, hyung. I'm- you can tell us if you're feeling...unwell or-" Pity it was. Or maybe Jinyoung really cared. He shook away the thought and stared up at the younger with sharp eyes.

"I said _I'm fine_." He felt so angry. Why did he have to hurt his ankle? Why did he have to let down the group so much? Even more by performing in a chair,  _a fucking embarrassment_. Why did this whole thing have to happen? Why did Jinyoung have to stare at him like that? He can't  _read_ Jinyoung, he doesn't know _what the hell the younger was thinking_.

He let out a crisp grunt when Jinyoung reached out with his hand. The younger didn't flinch like Jaebum half expected but he pulled back, leaving Jaebum in a stinging silence.

 

* * *

 

3.

Jackson and Jinyoung injured their wrists during ISAC. Jackson gave them a lopsided smile whenever one of them glanced at him with fretful eyes and a frown. Jinyoung waved off the members' concern with an exaggerated huff then gave them all a smirk only Park Jinyoung could pull off.

But it wasn't fine. They had hurt themselves. Jaebum couldn't help but glare every time his eyes landed on the cast on the two members' arms.

It wasn't okay, he thought as he tossed and tossed in bed.

Jinyoung had caught him staring at his cast and had given him the gentlest smile Jaebum had ever seen on Jinyoung's face. It was beautiful, pretty and inhuman. It wasn't okay, he thought as he punched his bed then sat up with sudden anger.

They had gotten hurt, their wrists were in pain and Jaebum didn't know how to comfort them. He was never the best at comforting. But he needed to, as a leader and as a friend. But he didn't.  _That wasn't okay_.

He growled under his breath then ground his teeth together because his breaths were getting heavier and his chest was starting to feel uncomfortable. His throat closed up with a weird, frustrating feeling so he thrashed his arms around in response.

He couldn't comfort properly and now, he couldn't sleep. Great, just fucking great. He breathed out through his nose loudly then grabbed one of his pillows and gripped it tightly like it was someone's _throat or arm or-_

He wanted to let out the loudest shout he could exert but the _members were sleeping_. So he let out a breathless yell instead then threw the pillow across the room, letting shame and guilt and satisfaction fill his gut when it landed on the wall with a loud puff.

 

* * *

 

4.

Spinal disc injury.

 _Spinal fucking disc injury_.

He couldn't move around as much like he's used to by now and he definitely couldn't dance with the members. He couldn't  _dance._

He couldn't perform for ahgase, for the fans, for the people that waited so long to see them. He couldn't perform properly with the rest of the group. He couldn't fulfill the number seven in their group's name.

It was so fucking stupid and annoying and god, what did he do to deserve this? Did life hate him? Did someone out there hate him? Probably. Definitely, some hater who couldn't find better things to do in their too much free time. He just can't believe-

Spinal disc injury.

He couldn't perform for the people that needed music in their life. That needed something to keep them going in life. He feels sorrow whenever he realizes that yes, there are people out there who have GOT7 as their pillar, anchor, comfort in their lives. And Jaebum was going to let them down.

He was just so  _angry_.

He loves music. He loves dancing. And now, his own body was going to hold him back from doing what he loves so dearly. He hated how everyone's attempted comfort couldn't heal his own stupid problem. Spinal disc injury. Such a stupid ass injury, and he out of all people had to have it.

Everyone is unique. Everyone has good uniqueness. But also bad, horrible, terrible ones. And he had to have a spinal disc injury; it was going to prevent him from doing what he loves ever since he was little. He wanted to yell out all the profanities he's learned in his life so far and he wanted to throw things onto the ground and hear the satisfying crack of an object. He didn't and wanted to be angry at the same time.

Anger wasn't going to help him and he knew it but the stress and pressure were just building up so much to the point where he wanted to choke someone.

He let the tears flow out of his eyes silently in the washroom he's been in for the past few minutes. He was just so pathetic.

 

* * *

 

5.

So many people all over the world knew GOT7 now. Knew  _him_ now.

The chic and handsome leader of GOT7. The one who's good at dancing and singing and being an idol he is. The leader that always knew what to do in any situations and the leader that always comforted the members when they were in pain.

JB of GOT7 is the perfect boyfriend. He's perfection.

But that's just silly, isn't it? He thought dryly as he rolled his eyes. Every idol is perfection. Every single idol in this world is expected to be perfect in every fucking way, to fulfill the fantasies of teenage girls and boys. There are haters, there are fans that love and support them, then there are the ones that are completely infatuated with them and treated them as if they were true gods.

But they are  _not_. They're not perfect. But no one truly gets that and Jaebum couldn't do anything other than cry secretly in his palms in a washroom with  _anger_.

He isn't forever chic and handsome and impossibly, perfect. He isn't like that all the time. But most of the fans don't understand that and those who do are washed away by the insane love the rest pours for them.

Jaebum knows he shouldn't get angry over something like this but it's just fucked up. He's an idol, not just a singer or dancer. An idol. Of course people are going to focus on his good looks instead of his vocals or dancing sometimes. He also produces music but no one even glances twice at that, do they.

JB is the chic, sexy perfect boyfriend. Sometimes his thoughts wander to ones that make him suspect if anyone even listened to his singing or looked at his dancing. Did they? Or are they just oogling his hot ass and taking pictures aesthetically enough for thirsty young people.

No. He shouldn't think like that, he ducked his head, tearing his eyes from the bathroom mirror in the process. Ahgases are not like that. There are fans out there that truly need GOT7's music. His vision blurred with tears since he realized he was being nothing but assumptive and hypocritical.

He curled up his hands into fists and let out an inaudible scream as he hit his knees, just hard enough to feel the pain.

 

* * *

 

+1.

The netizens accused him of being homophobic and lashed out at him for the homophobic comment he apparently made. He didn't mean it like that. He wasn't homophobic in the first place.

It was no use though. The haters are now latching onto the news and feeding off of it deliciously while they shitted out any more bullshit toward him online.

He remained silent throughout the whole process though. His words wouldn't matter when everyone only focused on his 'homophobic comment' instead. The members remained tense and quiet; jokes and smiles were barely existent when the cameras aren't rolling.

He doesn't know why and how but next thing he knew, deja vu punched him in the face as Jackson snarled at him with accusations while his arms were pulled back. Jaebum knew it was stress causing all of this, all of the wrecks this all was while Jackson threw hurtful words such as, "He only voiced his true opinions." and "He probably meant it anyway." It fucking hurt a lot. A hell lot.

Jaebum knew that Jackson didn't mean any of his words because for god's sake, they have been together for years and he can say with confidence that he knew Jackson. And Jackson isn't the type to say things like that unless the media is ganging up on them like it is now, stress building on their shoulders like a giant ass boulder.

He held back the jabs he thought up in his mind because he's meant to be a responsible leader, a kind hyung, a good friend. So he glared full on back at Jackson instead while he took in all the shouting around him. Eventually, it died down to Jackson panting with an ashamed expression, the members glancing between them with pained looks and him looking down at his shoes.

"Hyung-" Jaebum turned around and rushed down to his room before he could hear any of that. Jackson was probably going to apologize like the good person he is. But no, Jackson didn't have to apologize. At least, not like that. They're idols, they're all so fucking stressed. Jackson managed to get his frustration out, only unfortunately on Jaebum. He didn't mind that much but the words still hurt like a bitch.

Only he now had to wait for Jackson to fully cool down to a conscious and full operating mind. And for him to get back up from all the comments the other directed at him. He wiped his tears away and held back his sobs.

Jackson didn't mean it. He  _didn't_. Jaebum knew that but shit, why couldn't he stop crying-

"Hey," He flinched forward when arms embraced him from the back. Jinyoung. Again.

"I'm-" He croaked halfway before cutting off because he couldn't let the sobs out. Jinyoung made a shushing noise. "I get it, hyung." No, he didn't. He didn'-

"I do, I do get it, hyung. I understand." Jinyoung said soothingly while he hugged him tighter.

"Jinyoung.." He breathed out before he started to hiccup with tears still streaming down his cheeks.

"It's going to get better." Jinyoung whispered and rubbed his arms gently. Jaebum felt himself shaking his head. He felt so stupid - crying like this in front of Jinyoung, the person who had been with him through all of this the longest.

"It's going to get better. I'm not just talking about the media." Jaebum stilled, moving once in a while due to his stifled sobs and hiccups.

 

"That anger inside you, it's going to get better."

 

 

 


End file.
